Today I am struggling. It's been two weeks since we learned Ethan died. It seems like an eternity and yet, just yesterday. I am struggling because I guess I don't know how to grieve. Everyone...friends, family, medical professionals...is telling me to take time to grieve. What exactly does that mean? I should sit here and cry all the time? Believe me, I cry! A lot! It happens at times when I think I am doing okay. I cry just about every time someone tells me they are praying for me. Please don't feel bad if you come up and talk to me and I just bust out in tears. It's not you...it's my crazy emotions right now! But, what else do you do to grieve? I am going to be very honest...I don't want to sit and cry and be sad. Right now, I feel like getting a sledge hammer and beating the tar out of something. I am angry that I am being forced to deal with this situation. I am angry that the baby I longed for and prayed for will never get to be in my arms.
I know that Ethan is in heaven. I know he will be very well taken care of and will never have any troubles or trials of this world, but I still wish he was still growing inside of me. I know that God is there and I know He is helping me through this. I just want Him to show me what to do next. I want so badly with everything in me to go through the process again and get pregnant again. I know that it will not replace Ethan. I know that I will always hurt because of his death, but I desire so badly to start another cycle. If I had my way I would start today. I am struggling because I want to do what God is telling me to do. I don't know if the desires I feel are His will or just my desires. I am praying, many times a day for God to show me what we should do next, but I can't shake the urgent need in my heart to try again. The sooner the better. I need something to work for. I need something to look forward to.
Tomorrow I go to the dr. I am praying that he can give me medical reasons for this happening and that he can give some reassurance that this was just a tragic random event and the chances of it happening again are very low. He's said it before, as well as the Perinatologist and the embyologist. I guess I just need to hear it a lot of times to truly believe it.
The counselor I saw last week suggested I do something to get my feelings out, since I am having a hard time expressing how I feel. So you are the lucky ones who get to hear all about it. If you see me today, just know it has been a difficult afternoon. Glade and Addison fought going down for their nap. Addison took off her poopy diaper and played in it. On top of it all, I am struggling today. I appreciate your hugs and prayers and kind words. Please continue to pray that I will find some peace and comfort and that I will allow God to show me when the right time to try again is. Pray that I am open to hear what God is telling me even when the desires in my heart are so strong.
3 comments:
Praying that you will get the answers you need at the dr tomorrow. Leah, whatever you are feeling right now is exactly what you are supposed to feel. You lost a precious gift. You are hurting so deeply because you are a mommy that had hopes and dreams for your family, a family with Ethan. You WILL be able to have more children when your body has healed a little more both physically and emotionally. Waiting is tough...I am praying with you every step of the way and here for you anytime. God is so thankful that you are choosing Him during this time that so many others might turn away. He will allow light into this darkness.
Leah, you don't know me, but I read your blog frequently. I got the link from Allison E's blog. I just want you to know I'm praying for you. I understand, unfortunately, the pain you have in your heart right now. The frustration, the anger, the confusion, the completely sense of emptiness and loss, the urgency to start trying again and the overwhelming need to just cry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting and my heart breaks with you. My husband and I have lost 3 over the course of the last 2 years and there is nothing I can say to make it seem easier...i wish I could. I don't know why this happens, but I have to tell myself that God's timing is always perfect. whether we like it...or hate it. I'm praying for you and your family.
Kami
Oh Leah, this breaks my heart to read. I know you want answers now, and it's frustrating not knowing what God wants. Just keep praying, and I know that He'll answer you in His time. It's completely normal to be so sad over this, you are grieving a huge loss - your baby. If you feel like crying, CRY. There are several phsaes of grief, and they're all normal. I don't know anyone who would handle it as well as you have. I know you'll never forget Ethan, but time will heal you. I'm praying for you, Leah. And I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
Post a Comment